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Anna, a.k.a. Evelyn's Mom

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December 6, 2019

The first season, it was the "Christmas spirit" that got to me most. That sugary, sickening, manic joy that everyone exudes. The high of celebration. The rush of commercialism. I couldn't even fathom the idea of celebrating anything without gagging. And the naked sense...

November 11, 2019

I had my first depressive episode when I was twelve.

It was fresh on the heels of two early back-to-back traumas. Moving for the first time in my life, which threw me completely off balance and into the deep end of self-consciousness and anxiety as I tried to navigate a...

October 21, 2019

The subject of this post was requested by a friend and fellow grieving mother. If ever you would like to see me cover a subject on the blog that I otherwise haven't, please feel free to email me your requests. I cannot always promise that it will happen, or that I will...

September 5, 2019

Dear Anna,

I'm supposed to be writing about how I forgive you, but I think we both know that neither of us is ready for that letter yet. We may never be.

The truth is, I can't say that I forgive you. I can't say it and mean it. It doesn't feel right in that deep down pla...

July 2, 2019

There's a phenomenon I've witnessed as a grieving mother that I only know to describe as grief hijacking, though I imagine this may happen to people experiencing any variety of suffering, and in another case may just as easily be referred to as pain hijacking. It can m...

March 19, 2019

The following is a journal entry I wrote on shame at the behest of my grief counselor. Shame is a very ugly corner of child loss. After writing this, I have read it many times over. Giving my shame a voice has shown me how unreasonable, insidious, and deeply buried in...

September 17, 2018

Every day, I make accommodations for this grief. Every. Single. Day. Without exception.

On a "good" day, that might look like excusing myself to the bathroom at work where I can cry in private, if only for a few minutes, until I can get the emotions under control again....

September 5, 2018

When you lose someone, everyone begins talking about the stages of grief, ticking them off to you one by one: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I'm not a fan of this grief theory, particularly because the woman who wrote about it, Elisabeth Kubler-...

April 18, 2018

Maybe it's presumptuous of me to write this post. After all, I am only one broken-hearted mother. Who am I to speak for the parents of loss all over the world?  All I know is that nine months into life without Evelyn, I am still trying to wrap my own head around this e...

March 14, 2018

I have spent the last two days trying not to die. That's not exaggerating or overstating it. I am not being melodramatic. It's not a metaphor. It is simply the truth ... my truth.

Her birthday was last week. I braced myself for the worst. I tied my muscles in knots...

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