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Anna, a.k.a. Evelyn's Mom

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March 14, 2018

I have spent the last two days trying not to die. That's not exaggerating or overstating it. I am not being melodramatic. It's not a metaphor. It is simply the truth ... my truth.

Her birthday was last week. I braced myself for the worst. I tied my muscles in knots...

January 25, 2018

Last night, I dreamt of Evelyn. I have these dreams a lot. 

They are not the PTSD nightmares of the early weeks—those come far less frequently now. The wake-up-screaming-crying-shaking-sobbing mashups your brain invents to torture you with, those kind of nightmares...

January 17, 2018

There are some things so painful they should kill you, but they don't. Childbirth is like that, if you skip all the fancy pain blockers and relievers. Child loss, even more so. And there is no epidural for the shattered heart. 

When I was pregnant with Evelyn, I develop...

January 4, 2018

When I lost my daughter, I lost myself. 

I can recall the exact moment of what I call "the split". It was in the second after I turned her over and saw her face and realized with no shadow of doubt, and no hope of error, that she was gone. In that moment, I distinctly r...

December 20, 2017

Sometimes, I wish I could just disappear.

That I could curl up into a tight little ball, crawl to the center of the gaping hole in my chest, and let the darkness swallow me piece by piece.

I often long for death. People talk to me about hope, but hope is like a songbird...

November 29, 2017

When you lose a child, you fall out of time.

You can no longer tell the difference between five minutes and five hours, or between one month and one afternoon. If someone asks you what time it is, not only will you not know, you'll likely be surprised when you look it u...

November 15, 2017