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December 31, 2019

Now I lay me down to sleep.

This is how it begins.

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

Innocent really. A prayer from my childhood. Everyone's childhood. From childhoods stretching generations back. Who knows how far into the past?

If I should die before I wake ... 

This is wh...

December 6, 2019

The first season, it was the "Christmas spirit" that got to me most. That sugary, sickening, manic joy that everyone exudes. The high of celebration. The rush of commercialism. I couldn't even fathom the idea of celebrating anything without gagging. And the naked sense...

November 11, 2019

I had my first depressive episode when I was twelve.

It was fresh on the heels of two early back-to-back traumas. Moving for the first time in my life, which threw me completely off balance and into the deep end of self-consciousness and anxiety as I tried to navigate a...

October 21, 2019

The subject of this post was requested by a friend and fellow grieving mother. If ever you would like to see me cover a subject on the blog that I otherwise haven't, please feel free to email me your requests. I cannot always promise that it will happen, or that I will...

September 16, 2019

They say life imitates art. 

I sincerely hope that isn't true. 

When my 18-year-old daughter unexpectedly died in her sleep two months after I signed my first solid book deal for a novel about a family that lost a child, that is exactly what I was afraid of. 

Which b...

September 5, 2019

Dear Anna,

I'm supposed to be writing about how I forgive you, but I think we both know that neither of us is ready for that letter yet. We may never be.

The truth is, I can't say that I forgive you. I can't say it and mean it. It doesn't feel right in that deep down pla...

August 7, 2019

Looking back. It's not something I ever really did in The Before. I was far busier worrying over a future that had yet to arrive than fretting about a past that was already gone. Now, I can't bear to consider the future, not more than a few months ahead of me. And I ye...

July 17, 2019

I know my children. I know them in an unknowable place that is inside me and beyond me. I know the shapes their souls take when they think no one is looking.

Evelyn was my wolf daughter. She was born to the bear in me. To the internal force all women⁠—all mothers⁠—know...

July 2, 2019

There's a phenomenon I've witnessed as a grieving mother that I only know to describe as grief hijacking, though I imagine this may happen to people experiencing any variety of suffering, and in another case may just as easily be referred to as pain hijacking. It can m...

June 10, 2019

The way you put yourself back together is like this: with a slow, strong stitch and a steady, gentle hand. One. Minuscule. Piece. At. A. Time.

You collect pieces for years. That's what you become—a collector. All the little bits of debris, the flotsam of your soul, scat...

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